How can I go from having a good day to feeling like I am so worthless and should just die? Depression sucks. So. Much.

I was okay today, I didn’t want to hurt myself, I didn’t hate myself, I didn’t want to die. But now I do. And why? I have no earthly idea. It just happens out of nowhere.

I take my meds like I’m supposed to, have been for over a year. I talk to people daily about everything and anything. I preoccupy my mind with coding and try to stay busy, but depression still finds me.

Earlier today, I could’ve written a post about how great our God is and how blessed I am. But now I just wish He would take it all away.

But I’m scared of death, it terrifies me. Honestly, the reason I have such a hard time falling asleep is because I’m paranoid that I’m going to die in my sleep and I’ll never know it.

I’m paranoid about a lot of things. That everyone I love is going to die in a freak accident, that everyone secretly hates me and thinks I am a burden, that my boyfriend doesn’t even like me. Things that just make no sense whatsoever, I’m paranoid about.

IDK sometimes I feel like I have the wrong diagnoses for my mental illnesses. But I’m not the doctor, so I don’t know anything.

Tonight sucks. I hope tomorrow is better.


2 Comments Add yours

  1. ezi2015 says:

    Unfortunately that feeling happens, but don’t give up! Always keep fighting!


  2. Debra says:

    Taking thoughts captive….letting others just flitter on by. I ebb and flow between the two….you are ok. You are a beautiful child of the universe no less than the stars in the sky ..( quote from a poem ). I love you !


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