Last night I crashed. I caved into the depression and the thoughts that I wasn’t good enough, that I was worthless, that sobriety wasn’t worth it. I hit a low that I hadn’t hit in a really long time, but I opened up about it. I talked to my boyfriend and we worked through it.
I didn’t drink or use but I wanted to, God I wanted to. I cried, no I sobbed to boyfriend, begging him to let me drink. It started with “I can handle it now,” and ended with ”
I need it, I would do anything for it.” You don’t even know how desperate I was. But we talked.
We talked about our lives, my nephew, our future children, and how far I’ve come. It took a couple hours, but by the end of the night I no longer wanted to drink and I wasn’t depressed anymore.
We talked about God and how your circumstances are what you make of them. We talked about how, when we decide to start a family, our child deserves a mother and a father who are both there.
We talked about how I’m selfish. Not now, but when I drank the last time. How I almost ruined everything the last time I drank because all I could think about was how I was going to get my fix and what would make me happy, not anyone else.
He helped me put things into perspective. My life is worth more than what alcohol can give me, honestly, it can’t give me anything, it’ll only take away things. Everything, actually.
If I drink, I lose my sobriety. If I drink, I lose my boyfriend, not because he would leave me but because I would push him away. If I drink, I lose the chance to have a a child with the man I love, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted; to have a happy family.
But by staying sober, I get to keep all of that. I get to thrive, I get to live my life the way I want to without being a prisoner in my own body. I get to choose happiness.
One thing my boyfriend pointed out to me last night is my Grandma. I talk to her almost every single day and she worries about me constantly. I’m her baby and she loves me more than I realize. She is constantly asking me how my sobriety is going and making sure I haven’t drank. But he pointed out the fact that she’s not getting any younger and one day she’s not going to be here anymore. Then he asked me the hardest question I think I’ve ever been asked, “Do you want your Grandma’s last memory to be of you breaking your sobriety and drinking? Could you even handle that?” Shit, man. That hit me so hard.
She’s healthy, yes, but one day (hopefully a long time from now) she will pass. And I will have to deal with that, but I don’t want to deal with being the one to disappoint her. I can’t deal with that. So I won’t. I’ll stay sober.
I have to do it for her, I have to do it for my Mom and my Dad, my boyfriend and my nephews. But most importantly, I have to do it for myself. I deserve it.