TRIGGER WARNING ON THIS POST. READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION. MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR ALL READERS.
“I’m not an addict like you, I know what I’m doing. I’ve got this!”
I remember it like it was yesterday, my first drink, my second drink, my third drink. Then it starts getting fuzzy. I told everyone that I knew what I was doing because I truly thought I did. Boy, was I wrong.
“I just drink to get drunk, that’s all.”
Little did I know that was part of the problem. “Normal people” don’t drink just to get drunk, they drink casually, one drink could last them a while. But not me.
“Chug, chug, chug!”
I didn’t know how to drink at a normal pace, not even from the beginning. I was downing drinks like they were cans of soda. I’d be on drink number four when everyone else was still on number one.
“The liquor store closes in 10 minutes, what are we going to do?”
Time wasn’t a factor, we would speed there trying to get to the liquor before it wasn’t available. If we didn’t make it, we’d take a trip to the grocery store and buy the cheapest wine with the highest alcohol content.
“Ew, this is disgusting. I’m still gonna drink it though.”
It didn’t matter how nasty it was, how much it made me gag; if it had alcohol in it, I would drink it. Nothing was off limits for me, it could make me puke and I would go right back to it, I’d just mask the taste with some more fruit mixer.
“I’m still sober, wanna hear my ABC’s?”
They never wanted to hear them but I would always recite them. Thinking that if I could say my ABC’s, I was still sober.
“Just one more!”
It never stopped, though. There was no such thing.
“Okay, I think you’ve had enough.”
In my mind, I hadn’t. I would black out, wake up, and begin drinking again.
“You have to work tomorrow, you really should stop.”
I didn’t stop. I had a couple of hours to recover, I worked night shift so that was plenty of time to sleep it off.
“Why aren’t you at work?”
I had lost my job. The addiction was controlling my life.
“Who’s at the door? Are you expecting company?”
I didn’t know who it was. All I knew was that I invited strangers over to drink because nobody else would drink with me at noon on a Wednesday.
“Where are you going? Haven’t you been drinking?”
Well, yes, but that was hours ago. I was sober enough to drive, or so I thought.
“You’re going to do what I tell you to.”
A knife was held to my throat.
“Where am I?”
I didn’t know.
“Who is this?”
I wasn’t sure.
“Why is my dress ripped? Why am I hanging out of a car?”
“I’ll hit you up later.”
I don’t even know your name.
“Looks like you had a crazy night.”
I showered for hours, but I couldn’t get clean.
You’d think that would be enough for me to quit drinking, but it wasn’t. I kept on. Things kept getting worse. I don’t remember many months of my life. I think it’s better that way, honestly.
“You’re going to kill yourself if you don’t stop.”
Maybe that’s what I want. I was already dead inside.
My addiction almost killed me, many times.
My addiction didn’t care that I had dreams or that I had goals, it took everything from me.
Addiction doesn’t discriminate.
Age, gender, social status, none of that matters. If addiction wants you, it will have you. Remember that.
If you are suffering from addiction, reach out for help, there are recovery programs that you can take advantage of. Alcoholic’s Anonymous is a great place to start!