Coming Clean

They say the first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem. Well, I have a drinking problem. For the longest time, I didn’t want to believe it because I just knew that I could gain control of my drinking and I just knew that I could be a social drinker like everyone else. As it turns out, I can not. I thought I knew this. I thought I had control over my addiction, but I was wrong.

This is very difficult for me to write because it hurts so much to admit the truth, but I am not one to lie. I have relapsed. And in the couple of days of my relapse, I have lost almost everything that I have and everything that I have worked for. I have put my life in jeopardy by drinking while on medication, I have lost myself once again among many other things. The hatred that I have for myself because of it is tremendous, but I’m working on forgiveness. I was almost at 4 months and then bam, relapse.

The cravings were too much and, it’s like Macklemore says,
“Man I f**ked up up
Like so many others I just never thought I would
I never thought I would, didn’t pick up the book
Doin’ it by myself, didn’t turn out that good”

I honestly don’t know how to face my friends, my family or my parents. I’m dreading it so much. I feel like a disappointment, like a failure, like I’ve worked so hard just to fail. I know it’s not the end of the world, but it certainly is rock bottom. The only plus side is that there’s nowhere to go from here but up..

xoxo
Lindsey

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14 Comments Add yours

  1. Don’t hate yourself over a slip. That’s what it is: a slip. Relapse happens. If it’s only once, just start again. One day at a time. Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it. You don’t need to go through this alone. hugs.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words *hugs*

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Please, always remember you’re worth it. You are. Your family will never be disappointed in you. They will be disappointed if they no longer have you in their lives. Just focus on what you want to do. Keep yourself busy. Try to find some way to relieve the stress that may have compelled you to break your sobriety. Don’t let yourself get too tired or distraught. It’s a tall order, but fall back on the things that make you happy. Write. Exercise. Even if you don’t now. Everytime you thinking about a drink, just go for a walk or a run or do something else, read, find another outlet. Do whatever it is that makes you forget. I promise you that exercising until you’re sweaty will make you forget you want to drink anything but water. Acknowledge whatever silly love you have and make it the thing that transports you away from having a drink. Take a bubble bath, listen to music that you love, light a candle, close your eyes and envision the life you want. Remember who you were before you let a drink into your world. You were someon great. You are someone great. I really believe that you can do this. I know that you can do this. If you need to bend a non-judging ear, write me: saschadarlington@aol.com . I promise I’ll always listen.

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      2. Thank you so so much! Those are great suggestions, I will certainly give them all a try!!! xoxo

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  2. Debra Wyatt says:

    Lindsey … Relapse does happen in the brief moment that we forget we have a disease of addiction … It is a 3 fold dies-ease of the soul.
    The mental obsession the
    physical cravings and the
    spiritual fall to flesh ….the shame is relapse is not making it back … Jails, Institutions and Death are the results of using drugs ….and then there is Recovery !
    To recover from a relapse it helps to inventory the thoughts, feelings and actions right before you picked up …you can do this. I strongly suggest a 12 Step Program of Recovery
    That’s what worked for me over 30 years ago and still works today !
    I love you and I believe in you ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much! I love you too!! ❤

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  3. Dear Heart, thank you for your brave writing. You have so much to offer, don’t let your disease rob you or this world of your light & love. Especially when there is a solution. 12 step programs not only offer a strong foundation to build a sober life on, they offer an entire package of Life tools that feel more like hitting the jackpot than hitting bottom. Unfortunately, so long as she is still breathing, an alcoholic can always go lower. But that’s not a requirement. Without AA, there is no way would I have been living life Happy, Joyous & Free these past 28 years. What have you got to lose? XOXOX 💜

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I will try the 12 step program, it’s my last hope honestly! And I know for a fact that it works, i’m just stubborn!!!

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  4. It is so incredibly hard to face ones self and then others after a relapse. But to put it here honestly and openly is a huge step. I relapsed a few times on my quest to sobriety. I was devastated, embarrassed, felt like a failure. I was told I never lost the time I gained. Those 4 months are yours to run forward with. I know the people in my life encouraged me get back up and reach out for support as soon as possible..if that’s AA or whatever works for you. So, the very next day that’s exactly what I did. Try not to beat yourself up, it does you no good. I know that for sure!! I hear your struggle. This is not easy. But I believe in you. I believe in us. One day at a time. Take care!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much! I believe in us too *hugs*

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  5. You are being brave to admit it and own it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much!!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. When I relapsed after 51 days free of self-harm, my therapist said, “It’s just that – one relapse after 51 days free. It’s incredibly painful, but remember that one day of relapse does not take away the 51 days of success, or preclude the days of success you will have in the future.” That really helped me, and I encourage you to remember the same thing – you’ve had 4 months of incredible strength and have many more coming your way. Nobody is perfect, and we are here for you. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s a great way to look at it, thank you so much!! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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