They say the first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem. Well, I have a drinking problem. For the longest time, I didn’t want to believe it because I just knew that I could gain control of my drinking and I just knew that I could be a social drinker like everyone else. As it turns out, I can not. I thought I knew this. I thought I had control over my addiction, but I was wrong.
This is very difficult for me to write because it hurts so much to admit the truth, but I am not one to lie. I have relapsed. And in the couple of days of my relapse, I have lost almost everything that I have and everything that I have worked for. I have put my life in jeopardy by drinking while on medication, I have lost myself once again among many other things. The hatred that I have for myself because of it is tremendous, but I’m working on forgiveness. I was almost at 4 months and then bam, relapse.
The cravings were too much and, it’s like Macklemore says,
“Man I f**ked up up
Like so many others I just never thought I would
I never thought I would, didn’t pick up the book
Doin’ it by myself, didn’t turn out that good”
I honestly don’t know how to face my friends, my family or my parents. I’m dreading it so much. I feel like a disappointment, like a failure, like I’ve worked so hard just to fail. I know it’s not the end of the world, but it certainly is rock bottom. The only plus side is that there’s nowhere to go from here but up..