Falling Apart

It was around this time last year, almost to the day, that I started falling apart. I’m trying to stay strong and keep my head up high, but it’s so difficult. The 17th of July would make 2 years since I exchanged vows with my ex husband. I don’t miss him anymore, I don’t want him back, but it still hurts. I’ve found out what true love is and what it’s not. I didn’t really have “love” before, I thought I did, but I was so terribly wrong. Now, I do. My current boyfriend shows me the way a woman should be treated and every single day he treats me like a princess. That, I am so thankful for.

But it still hurts, knowing that date is coming up. Making me think I wasn’t good enough for him, when really, it was he who wasn’t good enough for me. I know my worth now, and he didn’t deserve me. I’m trying to stay afloat, trying to be okay, trying to stay positive but it’s difficult. I never properly mourned during the separation process, all I did was drink. That was my coping mechanism; it was so great, I didn’t have any feelings whatsoever. (I’m being facetious, in case you didn’t catch that.) While I really didn’t have any feelings, it wasn’t great. It just made the pain hurt that much more when I sobered up. The reality of everything hitting all at once is a really painful experience.

Today, I hurt. Tomorrow, I will hurt, and the next day and so on. But I’m okay. I have learned that pain is a normal part of the grieving process, that it’s okay to be upset that you don’t have that person anymore, but it’s not okay to dwell. While it has been a very traumatic experience, I am thankful for my separation and upcoming divorce. I am thankful because I didn’t start a family with this man and then find out he was cheating. I am thankful for the struggles that accompanied the separation, because of them I am a much stronger person.

When I began writing this post, I was extremely upset, very down on myself and feeling hopeless. But as I have let the thoughts flow onto the screen, I have realized that I’m much less upset than I have been, I’m not feeling as down on myself as I was and I’m not feeling hopeless anymore. I feel happier, maybe not fully happy, but at least somewhat happier than I was at the beginning of the post. I know that things will be okay, I just have to let them..

xoxo
Lindsey

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5 Comments Add yours

  1. Gemma says:

    Lovely to read that you felt better by writing! Hope you’re still doing ok 🙂 Looking forward to reading more of you blog. I’d love if you’d check out my blog https://myhappycornerblog.wordpress.com and follow if you enjoy it!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much! I will go check out your blog now!! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Gemma says:

        Thank you!

        Like

  2. LaurenEph says:

    I’m glad that writing helped you feel better. I am in a similar situation, a few weeks ago it would have been my wedding anniversary and feel just like you do about ex not being good enough etc. I wonder how many years need to go by before the date doesn’t mean anything anymore. I really resonated with this post and am really glad that you’re feeling better X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m curious as to how many years must go by as well, at least this year is going better than last year! Hopefully it’ll get easier year by year, day by day. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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