It was around this time last year, almost to the day, that I started falling apart. I’m trying to stay strong and keep my head up high, but it’s so difficult. The 17th of July would make 2 years since I exchanged vows with my ex husband. I don’t miss him anymore, I don’t want him back, but it still hurts. I’ve found out what true love is and what it’s not. I didn’t really have “love” before, I thought I did, but I was so terribly wrong. Now, I do. My current boyfriend shows me the way a woman should be treated and every single day he treats me like a princess. That, I am so thankful for.
But it still hurts, knowing that date is coming up. Making me think I wasn’t good enough for him, when really, it was he who wasn’t good enough for me. I know my worth now, and he didn’t deserve me. I’m trying to stay afloat, trying to be okay, trying to stay positive but it’s difficult. I never properly mourned during the separation process, all I did was drink. That was my coping mechanism; it was so great, I didn’t have any feelings whatsoever. (I’m being facetious, in case you didn’t catch that.) While I really didn’t have any feelings, it wasn’t great. It just made the pain hurt that much more when I sobered up. The reality of everything hitting all at once is a really painful experience.
Today, I hurt. Tomorrow, I will hurt, and the next day and so on. But I’m okay. I have learned that pain is a normal part of the grieving process, that it’s okay to be upset that you don’t have that person anymore, but it’s not okay to dwell. While it has been a very traumatic experience, I am thankful for my separation and upcoming divorce. I am thankful because I didn’t start a family with this man and then find out he was cheating. I am thankful for the struggles that accompanied the separation, because of them I am a much stronger person.
When I began writing this post, I was extremely upset, very down on myself and feeling hopeless. But as I have let the thoughts flow onto the screen, I have realized that I’m much less upset than I have been, I’m not feeling as down on myself as I was and I’m not feeling hopeless anymore. I feel happier, maybe not fully happy, but at least somewhat happier than I was at the beginning of the post. I know that things will be okay, I just have to let them..