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I’ve been putting this off for quite some time now, in fear of being judged. But I feel as if now is the time to share my testimony with everyone. I don’t know who needs to hear what I have to say, but hopefully it will help someone out there…
I come from a broken home, my Father was an active addict and my Mother was working all the time to support us. My parents divorced when I was in fifth grade and it didn’t really go so well. Dad was still using and I was just learning about drugs, so imagine how I reacted when my Mom told me that Daddy was addicted to cocaine. No, not my Dad! That’s when I started cutting and starving myself. The eating disorder lasted all the way through high school and the cutting has only recently stopped.
I kind of grew up Catholic, but we didn’t go to church often. I just knew that I had made my First Communion, whatever that was, and Catholicism was my religion. Jesus died on the cross for my sins, I had to go to confession when I was bad, yada yada. It wasn’t until high school that I started going to church on a regular basis. Even though I was going every weekend, I still didn’t see what the big deal was. I knew it made me happier somehow, but that was about it.
My life has consisted of severe depression and anxiety, along with many other complications. No, I wasn’t miraculously healed by God of these illnesses, but I was saved from destroying myself. In the last year, I’ve been in a really bad place; I was an active addict to alcohol, weed and benzos. You might not consider weed a bad thing, and I don’t personally think it is, but it’s the things I would do while under the influence. I was acting out with promiscuity, defying my roommates and parents and giving up my dignity in many different ways. If I could take it all back, trust me, I would. I wouldn’t wish any of it upon my worst enemy. You don’t understand how degrading it is to do the things I was doing. I was on a path to nowhere.
I had given up my job, my home and my girlfriend. I had nothing. I couldn’t live with myself after everything that I had done that summer, so I set a date to commit suicide. I remember going to church with my Aunt, Uncle and cousin on a Thursday night and I felt so different, I just knew God was going to change my heart and things were going to get better. But when the night of the date I had set finally came, I acted upon it. I took 77 sleeping pills. I know what you’re expecting, this is where God comes to me and tells me that life is going to get better and things are going to be okay, but He didn’t.
Now, He did save me that night, I truly believe that, but that’s not what I’m getting at. I was severely depressed after I got out of the psychiatric unit and I still wanted to die. I just didn’t see the point, I was clean and sober, I was alive, but I wasn’t happy. I made it three months without drinking because I had plugged myself in at church and was going to Connect Group meetings every week. But then, I stopped going to church and I relapsed. I also moved out and got a new boyfriend. But shortly after that, everything started going downhill again. I stopped taking my meds, which you should never do without consulting a doctor, broke up with my boyfriend and I started engaging in risky behaviors again. But this time, I was spiriling downward fast. If something didn’t change, I knew I wouldn’t make it out alive.
So, as a last resort, I prayed. I prayed for God to save me, both from myself and from alcoholism. I prayed for Him to take away my mental illness and help me to live a normal life. But he didn’t. I’ll tell you what He did do though. He gave me hope that life would get better, He gave me the strength to keep going, He gave me the courage to change myself and open up to others and He gave me the determination to change my life.
God not only gave me those skills to continue living, He also brought an absolutely amazing man into my life, my boyfriend, who has helped me continue to heal. My view on life has changed drastically; I am manging my mental illnesses, I am over 80 days sober and I am becomming worry-free. How, you might ask, purely by the grace of God. I have prayed, day in and day out, for my struggles and thanked God for my blessings. I’ve also given my worries to Him. Don’t get me wrong, I still fret about a few things, but nowhere near what I used to.
You see, God didn’t just save me one day, He has been working on me for a while now. God isn’t just my savior, He is my friend, someone I can turn to for anything. The God I know is a very kind, loving man and He has not turned His back on me once. Even when I gave up on myself, He didn’t give up on me; and for that I will be eternally grateful.
So there you have it, my testimony. It’s not this super amazing change of life that happened in one night, but it is a truly remarkable change of life, all because of the grace of God.
If you have any questions at all or want to learn more about God and how He can save you, leave me a comment and I will be sure to get right back to you!
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Check out my related post, When Your Faith Falters here!