PLEASE NOTE: THERE IS A TRIGGER WARNING ON THIS POST! The subject matter is focused around rape. These are my personal opinions and do not reflect opinions of anybody else.
Do you know what’s not okay in any way, shape or form? Rape. Rape is not okay, ever, period. With the recent headlines in the news, this subject is all around us and I feel the need to discuss it.
What I’m not going to do is bash anyone, but I am going to state a few things I’ve learned about rape. Having been a victim to it by 3 different guys on 2 seperate accounts, it really hits hard with me when somebody else has to endure the trauma that accompanies it.
Please note that I am not looking for pity by sharing this nor am I going to share the details, I am simply trying to inform you what my personal experience was like, and that’s not to say that it’s the same for everyone.
Why am I writing about such a touchy, taboo topic? Because I think it’s about damn time that people face the reality of what rape is really like.
The truth is, I didn’t really believe that I was raped at first. The events that led up to it made me believe that it was a dream, a really, really bad dream. But it wasn’t. I said no, multiple times, but that didn’t stop it from happening. My words were meaningless, which made me feel powerless. I felt disgusted with myself, how could I let something so horrible happen? I felt that I was the one to blame, I should have known better than to go out drinking. And before you think about criticizing me for drinking, I know for a fact that I firmly said no many times, it’s not like I have no recollection of that night. Trust me, it haunts me to this day. I cried, a lot, the next few months. I also drank a lot to “cope.” The thing that hurt me the most was when I confided in a friend and they didn’t believe me; they said that it didn’t really happen. Ouch.
So I’m at fault, disgusting, hating myself and now I’m making it up. Just imagine what that feels like; it doesn’t feel good, let me tell you.
Then, I want you to imagine feeling these same feelings all over again when it happens half a year later. Except now you don’t know how to cope at all so you start taking pills, smoking weed and drinking to forget about the horrible, dirty person you are. I still blamed myself months after it happened. It got to the point when I just didn’t want to live anymore, the nights replayed in my head daily; I was afraid that it would happen again.
What I’m getting at here is that, for me, it was a really traumatizing experience. To this day, I have nightmares about it and I’m still afraid for my safety at times. Do I still blame myself for the rapes? Honestly, yes I do. If I hadn’t put myself in a place where I was vulnerable, it could have been prevented. Or at least that’s what my thought process says. It’s something that I haven’t figured out how to deal with yet. It’s not easy being a victim, but it’s not something that I openly talk about because it just makes me feel so dirty.
If you take away anything from reading this, I want you know that being a rape victim is an excruitiatingly, painfully tramatic experience and it takes a long time to learn to cope with it. As I mentioned before, that’s something I’m still working on. I also want you to know that when someone confides in you with something like that, please believe them and let them know that they are not at fault. That would have helped me to heal so much faster.
With this being said, rape is never ever okay. If someone says no, leave them alone. If you are a victim, please speak up and let your voice be heard by someone of authority. It will help you sleep a little easier at night, I know I wish I had done that..
Thank you for taking the time to read. Please report any forms of sexual abuse/rape to your local authorities.