May 27, 2015
I’m happy again. I have been for a while. A new apartment with new roommates and a new job with genuinely nice people will certainly change your attitude on life. I can see the beauty in everything, feel the sun beat down on my skin and actually appreciate it. See the rain drops on my windshield and appreciate the nourishment that they are providing for this precious Earth that I inhabit. Everything has beauty and I can finally see it again. Don’t get me wrong, I still get sad, but it’s nothing like it used to be. I don’t want to die, I want to explore and live my life to the fullest. I think drinking is partially the reason why. Which is not good, that’s an addictive activity. I drink when I’m sad; I drink when I’m mad. I drink when I want to be happy. It doesn’t interfere with my work life, which is one thing that I will not jeopardize. Déjà vu. That’s weird. I’m sitting in a Barnes And Noble just typing away and for some reason I feel like this has happened before. Weird. They say déjà vu is a good thing; it means you’re where you should be in life. Yay for that. I’m so exhausted from working so much, but it’s a good thing. At least I’m not lying around doing nothing. Life is good. It really is.
Some days I miss my husband. I know I shouldn’t because of what he did to me, cheating is an unforgivable act, but I really do. We had our whole lives planned even down to our children’s names. Our dreams included each other and we had everything planned to a “T.” But he cheated and decided that he had feelings for her instead. He told me that he “wished he hadn’t led me on for so long.” You don’t marry someone if you don’t love them. Nor are you the one to propose the idea of marriage. I just don’t understand how he could do that to me. I still get upset about it. I invested everything in him. My whole life revolved around him. That’s why I tried to end it when he left. I had nothing when he chose her over me. And you know what? He didn’t even care. I was in the hospital and he told me he didn’t respond because he didn’t know what to say. Anything, you say anything at that point. No, don’t do it, you’re better than that, you’re stronger than that. You say something to let them know that you don’t want them to do it. Which makes me believe that he truly did not care whether I lived or died that night. And it breaks my heart. The man that I told everything to, the man I gave my life vow to, the man that I invested myself in no longer loved me. That hurt worse that finding out that he had cheated on me. I wanted to die, I tried to die, but I just couldn’t. Overdosing on pills wasn’t the way for me to go. God had other plans. Some days I’m grateful for that and others I’m not. Today I am. If I weren’t alive, I wouldn’t be here telling you that you can make it through your struggles. I wouldn’t be able to tell you that it does get better. Once you hit rock bottom, there’s nowhere but up so start climbing.