February 11, 2015
I want to hurt myself right now. Very badly. I need to hurt myself. I want to end it all, I feel like I’m at my lowest point and there’s nobody to help me back up. In reality, I have a lot of people to help me. So why do I feel so alone? I’m afraid to tell my girlfriend what I’m thinking about. I want these death wishes to stop. I WANT THEM TO GO AWAY. Why do they never go away? They’re always in my head. ALWAYS. I feel like I’m going crazy. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to go back to the mental hospital. I didn’t like it there. Too bad I didn’t show them the way I really am while I was there, maybe then I would be on different medicines and be getting better help. I have no job, I had to quit because of my anxiety. I barely have any money. I can’t buy anything or pay some of my bills so that I can afford next month’s rent. Being out on my own sucks. It’s fun when things are going well, but things are really hard right now. I want to tell you something. It’s been in the back of my mind lately. I’ve been raped. Twice. And I’ve been sexually assaulted and sexually abused. I want the memories to go away. I want it all to go away. I DON’T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE. I want it all to stop. Please make it stop. Please. Somebody just end it for me. Please..
I wonder if he even knows what he did to me was wrong. I feel like he probably doesn’t. I hope he burns in hell for all of the sexual abuse he put me through. And the fact that I didn’t even see what he had done to me, turned me into, until it was too late is just devastating. Maybe I wouldn’t be this bad off if he had stopped. Maybe I would be okay and wouldn’t feel this way. I can’t write anymore. I’m fading away into the darkness of my mind. I’m getting lost in there. I wish you could see it. You aren’t alone in this cruel, dark world. I’m right there with you. Maybe it can get better for us one day. We can only hope, right?
I sit here with this blade in my hand, I want it to be easy and smooth against my skin. So I don’t have to fight as hard to bleed. I need to see the blood. I want it to be over. I want to die. I can’t do it though. I never can.. I hate it. Why can’t I just go already?