December 26, 2014
I have been crying a lot, for no reason at all. Nothing is wrong, Christmas went fabulously well. Maybe it’s because I’m out on my own and living my life as an adult. I feel like I’m all grown up now, yet I’m terrified of failing. I just want to prove to everyone, myself included, that I can live and be successful out on my own. I just spent $100 on books at my girlfriend’s work, they’re all books that will help me though. Some are self-help, some are inspirational and some are religious. I’m hoping to start off the new year positively and with a new outlook on life. I want to beat this depression and anxiety. I’m tired of living my life with ups and downs, highs and lows. I think I should stop drinking.. Maybe. I honestly don’t know if I can and that really scares me. Addiction runs in my family and I hope like hell that I don’t have that trait. I don’t want to live a life of destruction like my family members have. I want to be better than them, I want to show them that I can be better and make wiser decisions. I just hope that I’m capable of doing so.
There’s so much in life that scares me, that’s the anxiety kicking in. I’m afraid of failing, I’m afraid of not being good enough, I’m afraid of not being liked by everyone, I’m afraid that I won’t be able to please everyone, I’m afraid that the bad parts of me overtake the good ones. I’m just terrified of everything. They all stem from the insecurities I have about myself. I want to change them, but I don’t know how to. Do you have these problems? I feel like I’m all alone and nobody else is afraid of every little thing. Heck, I’m afraid of being afraid. I don’t know what it’s like to not have to worry or stress about every little thing.