November 30, 2014
Are you ready to get personal? To know every thought I’ve ever had, all of the experiences I’ve been through, the tragedies and horror I’ve encountered? This is about to get real, I won’t hold back. You’re going to get inside my mind, the darkest place I know. Once you’ve been there, you’ll never be the same. I hope you’re ready.
My mind is not a place you want to be, the thoughts I have are nothing any normal person could ever fathom. I have to cope with these emotions, cravings, and thoughts on a daily basis. How I’m still alive, I have no idea. There’s a reason I am still here, there has to be. I should be dead by now, I want to be dead so bad, but I just can’t die. I pray that God will take my life away and give it to someone more deserving because I’m just a worthless waste of space and life.
I have depression, I have anxiety, I have a personality trait disorder and a mood disorder, along with possible PTSD. How I make it through each day, I have no earthly idea. Each morning I struggle with waking up, I just want to sleep forever. That’s the depression kicking in. The random sadness I get even when things are going the best they’ve ever been, that’s also the depression. Wondering who would cry if I decided to crash my car into a tree or drive off a bridge, that’s the depression. I deal with suicidal thoughts every single day. I could be having the best day of my life and still want to die. People don’t understand what it’s like to live my life. I constantly worry that people hate me, because I feel like they do. That’s the personality trait disorder. I’m narcissistic, but not in the way you would think. Yes, I think about myself all of the time, but not in a positive way. It’s backwards. I think about how horrible of a person I am and everything that is wrong with me. I feel like no matter how hard I try, I’m never good enough. Very rarely do I ever feel good enough for someone or something. I have panic attacks that would scar you for life if you ever witnessed one of them.
I wish you could see the darkness that lurks inside my head; it’s utterly terrifying. It scares me. No, it petrifies me. Maybe I’ll share with you some of my writings from when I’ve been at my lowest points. I guarantee you won’t look at me the same. Maybe you won’t judge me or blow it off like everyone else. You have no idea how bad it hurts to have people downplay my mental disorders. “Oh, you’re just doing this for attention.” “Just be happy! It’s not that hard!” You don’t understand. I don’t do it for attention and I don’t want to be depressed all the time. When I have a good day, I feel so ecstatic that I could run a marathon! That is, until the darkness overcomes me again. I try to cherish the moments when I’m truly happy because they are very hard to come by. I wish that people could understand that nobody chooses to be this way, to live their life in a constant struggle. Every day is a fight. It gets better though, for a little while.
I love when I have good days, I feel on top of the world. I feel invincible, like nothing can bring me down. I want to smile at everyone and just tell my friends and family how much I love them. Heck, I want to tell complete strangers that I love them and that they are beautiful and should never doubt their selves. But it never lasts long, unfortunately. There’s always that darkness hiding in the back on my mind waiting for the littlest trigger to set it free.
I pray, all the time, for myself and for others. It makes me feel better when I’m down. It makes me feel better when I’m happy. Praying has always been my go-to coping skill. Unfortunately, it’s not always enough though. It doesn’t take the pain away. It doesn’t eliminate the darkness locked away in my mind. I feel like there’s only so much that praying can do for me, but maybe I’m just doing it wrong.